


just checking

by syncopate (orphan_account)



Series: hanahaki disease [9]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 09:02:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10896084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/syncopate
Summary: "Do you love me?""You know I do. Why are you asking?"





	just checking

**Author's Note:**

> i saw a tweet abt jongkey cuddling and jjong asking "do you love me?" and got randomly inspired haha.
> 
> an entirely unplanned hanahaki fic but hey i like hanahaki so.
> 
> for j, i hope this helps you feel better ♡
> 
> //edited 18 jun//

"Kibum?"

 

"Bum."

 

"Bummieee~" Jonghyun pitches his voice high and cute and Kibum finally looks up from where he's typing furiously on his laptop.

 

"What." He looks half annoyed, half fond. Jonghyun is banking on the fondness.

 

"Do you love me?" He grins at Kibum, charmingly he hopes.

 

"Not right now," Kibum replies, droll.

 

"But Kibummiee. Whyy?" Jonghyun drags the words out into a whine, pursing his mouth into a pout and he sees the corners of Kibum's lips twitch into a small smile.

 

"Do you love me?" He asks again. And Kibum rolls his eyes. His expression is now more fond than annoyed.

 

"Why are you asking me? You know I do." Kibum's tone is soft and so are his eyes.

 

Jonghyun grins triumphantly before letting out a cough. The flower petal slips out before he can stop it. The two boys freeze at the sight.

 

Azalea.

 

_Fragile passion. Take care of yourself for me._

 

Kibum's eyes fall on the petal in Jonghyun's hand. When he looks back up, there's something terrified hiding in his eyes. "What's that?" He asks it like already knows the answer. Jonghyun shrugs, smile still on his lips.

 

"You don't love me the way I love you," he admits lightly. And when Kibum's eyes fill with tears, Jonghyun jumps off Kibum's bed and goes to his best friend, touching tender fingers to his face.

 

"It's okay. If it gets worse I'll go get treatment. For now, I like the pretty flowers in my lungs." He traces his thumbs over Kibum's cheekbones. "Pretty like you."

 

Kibum nods mutely and a smile just flickers on his face. The tears fall out of his eyes still.

 

~-~

 

Life goes back to normal; Jonghyun crashing Kibum's dorm room and interrupting him in his thesis writing. Kibum grousing that Jonghyun has already finished most of his own and declaring that architecture students have it harder than history majors. Kibum practically force feeding Jonghyun. Jonghyun plying Kibum with too much coffee. Jonghyun singing into Kibum's ear and demanding sleepovers, clinging to him at night. Kibum has a single room and Jonghyun has a roommate whose girlfriend seems to believe Jonghyun did not exist. Jonghyun sleeps in Kibum's room most nights.

 

And the flowers, pink petals in the sheets in the morning, left abandoned in the toilet sink, caught between the pages of Kibum's reference guides. Jonghyun will clean them up and smile when Kibum's eyebrows crease. "I'm in love with you," he tells Kibum. "I like that."

 

"I don't," Kibum says bluntly. Jonghyun can't help his flinch and Kibum softens. He reaches forward and slides arms around Jonghyun. "I just want you to be well."

 

"If it gets worse, I'll get treatment," Jonghyun promises again. The flowers are twisting in his chest at the warmth of Kibum against him, but Jonghyun takes the pain, because it comes with butterflies in his stomach, heat dancing across his skin.

 

~-~

 

One week before their graduation from college, Jonghyun throws up petals and bile and blood. "Well," he says out loud, "I guess it's time." He marches out of the toilet with determination, glad that for once he had chosen to sleep in his own room, for once his roommate was at his girlfriend's, for once he won't have to see Kibum's face twist in sorrow and guilt.

 

He calls the hospital and surprisingly gets an appointment that very morning. When he puts down the phone he almost calls them again to cancel. Jonghyun likes being in love, even if it's more pain than pleasure; wants to keep loving Kibum. They dig out the feelings with the roots of the flowers and he wonders if he can beg them to leave just one, to keep his love for Kibum, to keep wanting him.

 

"Such a masochist," he tells himself and shakes his head. Kibum would tell him to go, Kibum would want him alive.

 

~-~

 

When he reaches the hospital he calls Kibum.

 

"Guess where I am!" he announces, when Kibum picks up.

 

"Not in my room for once." Jonghyun snorts; he can almost see Kibum roll his eyes.

 

"I love you," Jonghyun says with meaning. "But I won't in a while."

 

"What?"

 

"My appointment is in an hour!"

 

"Oh." Kibum's voice is soft. "Good for you."

 

"Yeah," Jonghyun replies. "I love you."

 

He ends the call before the tears misting his eyes are revealed in his voice.

 

~-~

 

The nurses give him a hospital gown that he cringes at, tells him the procedure is standard and easy, gives him a form to fill up, draws the curtain around his bed and then leaves the room, promising to return in 30 minutes. Jonghyun settles in with the pamphlet describing Hanahaki Disease and the possible side effects of the surgery -- persistent pain in the chest, weak lungs -- and thinks about the odds of relapse -- less than 1% -- and why he's hoping he will. _Stupid_ he thinks. _So very stupid._ But Kibum is special. He would stay in unrequited love with him forever if that was the only way to love him.

 

Running footsteps entering the ward break him out of his thoughts and as Jonghyun looks up, a familiar hand pulls aside the curtain around his bed. "Is it over?" Kibum asks. His eyes are wild, and there are what looks like tear streaks down his cheeks. He's breathing like he's run miles.

 

"Jjong? Is it over?"

 

Jonghyun squints and doesn't reply. He doesn't quite understand what Kibum is saying. "Is it over? The surgery. Did you stop loving me? Jjong, please."

 

Jonghyun has a distant awareness of what Kibum isn't saying yet. He reaches out and runs fingers over the smudged mascara under Kibum's eyes. "Why are you asking, Bum?"

 

"Can you just-" Kibum is interrupted by the nurse wheeling a stretcher in.

 

"Oh you have a friend," she says brightly. "Mr Kim, if you could just get on this, we'll get you to the operating theatre-"

 

"No!" Kibum exclaims, interrupting her in turn. "You can't. He's _not_ doing this." He spins back to face Jonghyun, entreaty in his eyes. "I love you too. I thought I was too late. I love you too." And before Jonghyun can make any response, Kibum bursts into tears.

 

There's a strange kind of unreality in everything. Kibum's words, his tears, the pain in Jonghyun's chest, flaring and then slowly seeping away. "Could you go away for a while?" he manages to whisper to the nurse, and as she hastily pushes the stretcher out, he sits up on the side of the bed and pulls the still crying Kibum into his lap. "You overdramatic baby," he coos softly. "You could've just called me."

 

"I forgot," Kibum hiccups. "I just needed to see you before it was too late." He's beautiful, Jonghyun thinks, and he says he loves me.

 

He raises his hand to catch the tears still rimming Kibum's sharp eyes and Kibum grips Jonghyun's hand in his. 

 

"I love you," Kibum says softly, slowly, meaningfully. "I'm sorry it took me this long to realise." His eyes are bright with promise and honesty, and Jonghyun believes.

 

"I love you too," he says finally. "I love you. I thought I wouldn't get to say that again."

 

He starts laughing, joy uncontrolled, unfettered. He slides arms around Kibum's waist and draws him close. "You owe me so many dates." Kibum laughs too, then leans in and kisses him.

 

~-~

 

"Bummie." Kibum opens his eyes at his name, still hazy with sleep.

 

"Do you love me?"

 

Kibum rolls his eyes at Jonghyun, and pulls him closer. "You know I do. Why are you asking?"

 

Jonghyun grins, pressing a kiss to Kibum's mouth.  
"Just checking."

**Author's Note:**

> this is kind of the backstory of jongkey in the ontae hanahaki fic. kibum only meets tae when he's looking for a room after grading, so thats why tae nv knew this story; they went to diff colleges. and key doesn't share apartment with jjong cos jjong is living with his family -- his mum isn't well and wants him close and he and kibum also didn't want to jump too quickly to living together.  
> the ontae takes place about 4 years after this one.  
> wow look at me randomly giving out info that no one needed. sorry haha. i needed to put it somewhere


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